Skeered Straight

I recently had a LGBT friend send me a link to a story about the LGBT community being warm and welcoming when one first comes out, but quickly distancing themselves when one actually wants to partner up because one is overweight or even just a little on the chubby side.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/louispeitzman/it-gets-better-unless-youre-fat

My first thought when reading this was that surely this was written by the homophobic community, because nothing would go further in scaring me straight (were I experimenting in college for example) than finding out that the LGBT community was no different, was just as shallow, as the straight community.  This has the potential to do their mean spirited, bigoted work for them. I mean I can get rejected and ridiculed and wind up alone with a magazine, some tissues and a jar of vasoline on any given night on my own in the straight community. My one hope was that maybe, should I decide to experiment one day, that I could find acceptance in the LGBT community.

Now that I find out, it is no different than my own heterosexual group I think I will just stay straight thank you very much. I already have a complex over being rejected by my own people, if I were to add being rejected for being pudgy by someone else I would just as well walk into an "All You can eat" Buffalo Wing and Tapioca Pudding restaurant and end it all right there.

Listen to me homophobic community (yes I am looking directly at you "Moral Majority" and "Focus on the Family"). Here you have a Pro-LGBT article telling us that they are no different than the heterosexuals are. And before you come after me with pitchforks and torches think about it, what better way to keep the wandering, inquisitive amongst you straight than to point out that the gay community is no different? That they will be treated no differently there, that they can be rejected and ridiculed for being overweight and pimply challenged. Who would even WANT to switch sides if they are just going to suffer the same? You should be passing this article around like a proud father does cigars (or used to pass out that is before the tobacco temperance crusade ended that tradition).

My point is this, we continually get more and more evidence that the LGBT community is no different in ANY way that the heterosexual community. It contains loving, committed couples who just want to have a family and be left alone. It contains greedy, selfish, hoarding bastards just like the dynamic Donald duo (Trump and Sterling). It contains self absorbed, shallow asshole bullies who mock and ridicule the more solidly built amongst us. It is full of lost, lonely, people searching for love, acceptance, and meaning who are created and loved by God as they are.

They aren't going to give you "gayties" (that's gay cooties) just by touching or proximity. They aren't going to follow you around, drooling and lusting after you in the locker room at the golf course. Actually odds are that if you are among the more "sturdily" built, the kind that wouldn't be moved in a windstorm, even being a bigoted, judgmental asshole, then you they wouldn't want to touch you anyway. So why get bent out of shape about it?

Surely we can extend them some tolerance and acceptance of our own and treat them as the worthy, honorable human beings they are. It's the least ANY of us deserve.

Premature Election

This is the year 2014 which sits exactly halfway between the major election cycle in American politics. It is that time when just as we are thrilled that we have recovered from the previous cycle's negativity and have finally gotten all the dirt out of those sneaky, hidden crevices that we find the pre election skirmish lines are being sent out to "soften" the ground for the next cycle's negativity and campaign of mud.

Just as in a battle or a war, the competing ancient militaries used to send out skirmishers and modern armies attempt to "prepare" and "soften" the ground with artillery, the political parties begin to probe and "feel out" (relax ladies Bill Clinton cannot be everywhere, you are probably safe for the time being) the atmosphere of country.

We get to look forward to dodging mud and have learned to bunker down with plenty of hand sanitizer and Handi Wipes.

This is otherwise known as the American Political "Super Bowl" Pre Game, and endless, droning period filled with the history of politics, both parties, and they know best and have our best interests at heart.. just trust them.

In this year's version of the pre game, I am hearing various hopeful candidates make their claims that they are ready to be President. Really? You are ready? What makes you ready? What makes anyone ready to be President?

What are the qualifications needed to be ready? And where is the mendoza line or preparation and qualification? We are sorry you have great credentials and plenty of accomplishments but you are only at the proverbial .200 average and thus you aren't ready, but hey since we don't want to lose such a promising candidate we have spot for you in our platform-would you consider running for the local school board?

Just how much foreign policy experience is needed? You say you once took a vacation to Europe and backpacked through France? Well come on down. You say you can at least find Europe on a map? Come on down. You say you can at least spell Europe? Sorry, say have you considered running for the local school board?

How about national policy experience? You pay your taxes? That will probably stump them since they have never had such a person come through their pipeline before and have no clues how to handle you. You voted in the previous elections? Great, but how many times in those elections did you vote? If you answer once you are lazy, if you answer 2 or 3 they will ask if you are quitter, and if you answer more than 5 they will consider you from Chicago and move you to the front of the line. You say you love guns and that you own half the Soldier of Fortune catalog? Righteous, Rush Limbaugh and Rick Perry on Line 1.

How about previous political office holding experience? You can't have too little because you will tend to actually listen to your constituents and vote the way they want you to and we can't have that in politics. You also can't have too much because that means you are older and you will tend to actually listen to no one, or you will forget what you just said and wonder where your jello cup went. If you are from Chicago you can disregard most of this last section because you have obviously learned by now to do whatever the bosses tell you or have ignored the bosses and will never be found anyway.

Now we get to the Hollywood influence. Just how much influence in Hollywood do you have? How many stars and celebrities do you know or can you bring to endorse you? Hell, why even bother with this one, if you don't already know Oprah you might as well hang it up now. You don't stand a chance.

So just exactly what makes one ready to be President? And how can ANYONE possibly know this this far out? Pretty simple actually. If you aren't from Chicago or at least have Oprah in your corner (which let's face it is pretty much the same thing anyway) you can forget it. But have patience, wait a couple years till it starts all over again and maybe this time Texas will be the new Chicago or maybe all that sucking up to Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity as well as stocking your gun cabinet will finally pay off.